I'll start with what weighs heaviest on my mind. Things are extremely tight financially. Wait. That's the understatement of the year. We are hundreds of dollars short each payday. If you know us well, you know we don't live an extravagant lifestyle. We live in a very small house, drive a paid for car, don't have cable, etc. etc. etc.
God has proven himself faithful time and time again. He's sent food through several different people. He's sent gifts of money to us. He's provided extra funerals for Mark to preach and photography for me. He's even blessed us with extra gifts of fun things like amazing tickets to the hockey game (one of our favorite things ever) and tickets to the circus! Why then, do I find it so hard to trust Him? I've never gone without a meal. I still live in a warm house, and for today, we have electricity, water and heat. I Timothy 6:8 says "But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that." Why then, do I doubt? Why do I struggle so? I hate struggling with this flesh! Why is it that sometimes when you know the right thing to do, it's so hard to do it? I need to trust Him. I need to take that leap of faith and say, God, catch me as I fall into your arms. I trust you. You are my provider. My sustainer. You've said in your Word that you know what I need before I even ask! I need to immerse myself in His Word to remove my doubts and my fears and the biggest stumbling block of all...myself.
This life isn't about me. It's not about my will. It's about bringing glory to Him. There are people with so much less. Yet, I sit in my house with what I do have and struggle to be content. We watched "The Pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith in it a few weeks ago. We both sat on the couch and cried through most of it. Perhaps because it hit too close to home.
If you haven't seen it, it's a good movie. This one was on tv, so some of the language was filtered. I won't spoil it for you if you haven't seen it, but even though it's depressing, it's worth watching all the way through.
I'm feeling overwhelmed physically too. Like I mentioned in my previous blog, I'm really struggling with my thyroid this pregnancy. I have little to no energy on a daily basis. (I did get some supplements at the health Food Store last night I'm hoping will help) Walker's room is still a total disaster. It's still the "junk room." There's no paint on the walls, no mattress on the bed, no bedding picked out, junk everywhere. It's almost funny, but I think I'm a little too hormonal to laugh. His diaper bag is packed and he has clothes in the dresser though. :) When we get our tax refund back we'll be able to remedy the paint situation, so I'm hoping that will spur me on and give me some energy to complete his room.
My house often looks like a war zone. I cry when I go into the kitchen. Yep. I said it. lol. I feel so overwhelmed with needing to clean it, not having the energy to, and then just not caring, I often turn around and walk right back out. I'll have a good week and get the whole house put back together, only for it to look like a battle zone again within days. Mark is the most amazing help to me. He's always done ALL our laundry. Even when I stayed home with Coleman. He's WAY more anal than I am and he does a better job at it. I'm happy to let him. Occasionally I feel guilty over it, but the feeling generally passes quickly. :) He helps in so many ways with me, with Coleman and the house, but he can't do it all. I actually made him delete a really cute picture of Coleman he posted tonight on FaceBook because the house was a disaster in the background and I didn't want everyone to see it and here I am blogging about it. lol. :) Must be the crazy pregnant hormones talking. lol.
All of this being said, I know I'm not the only person in the world to ever go through this. Mark has often said, "God never wastes a hurt." That's so true. I've gone through so many things and that saying still rings true. This post isn't for anyone to feel sorry for me. I guess I just want people to know the real me. The real us. The Thompson's. We lay in bed at night and pray, "Hey God, it's us. The Thompson's. Yeah, we're really tired again." Ha ha ha! Can't tell you how many times we've started our prayer time out like that (I know Mark is laughing reading this right now!)
I long to be the person who's house is always "company ready," always have the perfect thing to wear and always look cute wherever I go with my hair done and makeup on. I'm not sure that will ever happen, but that's ok. While we wait for God, and we wait for Walker, I'm clinging to these verses. I hope they encourage you if you're going through a rough spot right now too.
Psalm 37:7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Psalm 16:8 Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice.
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.
PHI 4:11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (God, teach this to me!!!)
Psalm 42:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Phil 4:12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.Proverbs 24:10 If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength!Matthew 8:26 He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.14:31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."