Wow. Don't you just love it when you're so convicted of how selfish you are? Ha ha! That's always a fun place to be. NOT! That's happened not once, but TWICE today. Probably should have happened more, but I'll tell you about the two things that stand out in my mind.
Today I'm 39 weeks, 6 days pregnant with my sweet baby boy, Walker. The wait has seemed to fly by, but then again, drag. Especially toward the end. Anyone who knows me, know how much I LOATHE summertime. I HATE heat. I hate humidity. I hate sweating and being remotely warm (anything over 72 is remotely warm to me), and that sick feeling of a huge cold chill you get when you get inside your hot car before the a/c begins to cool it off. Ewww... I don't want to even leave the house. So, I've been having a little pity party for myself the last few days. I'm not in labor, but have that yucky, crampy, before-you-go-into-labor-blech feeling and have the last three days. Now with Coleman, I was a full 2 weeks "post dates." He baked FOREVER. He loved his happy little warm jungle and had no desire to come out. I'm praying that Walker doesn't take after his brother. So today, I took my tired, achy hips and went to Target to pick up a few things I needed. I waddled around Target, subconsciously feeling sorry for myself. Poor me. I'm STILL pregnant (even though I'm not even DUE yet). Poor me. I'm tired. Poor me. I'm broke. POOR, POOR ME! If I only had money, and I was thin and had a newborn, I'd be happy. Ha ha ha! Yeah, that's kinda how it was going in my pathetic head.
So, I get the things I need and go get in my grossly hot car and get that sick feeling of a huge cold chill because the car is SO stinkin' hot and I back out of my spot. Then I see a taxi cab at the front of the store. Out steps a golden retriever, and her blind owner. A young woman, completely dependent on this dog and cab driver to get her to Target safely. WOW. Can you say "SLAP IN THE FACE?" Tears of conviction immediately began streaming down my face. How could I be so selfish? All the while, I'm whining about POOR ME, and here is this woman who can't even see. How does she pick out what she needs from the store? When she got out of the car, holding the leash, she had to immediately grab his harness to guide her. What a lesson I needed from this. I think I often want to just hold God's leash and trail aimlessly behind Him and try to be content with that. Oh sure, I can mostly get around without falling too many times in an hour, but what if I grabbed the harness? What if I really grabbed His hand and asked Him to lead me like I need to be led? I'm so pathetic and hopeless on my own. If I'm just hanging on to the leash, there's a good chance I'll run into a wall or trip and fall. It was a really stark reminder of how good I really have it. I have my own car so I can drive myself to the store, pretty much whenever I want. I can pick out whatever I need by LOOKING at it. Wow. The things I take for granted. I'm about to have a BABY! One of life's very greatest gifts. Yes, labor is going to be hard, yes, there are points where it's REALLY, REALLY intense and hard, but the joy it brings in the end is worth Every. Single. Moment.
So, I tried to happy up and change my attitude and went to another store, looking for a Father's Day gift for Mark. My hope is that I'll go into labor this week and be unable to shop so I wanted to find something today. I left the store after not getting anything because I couldn't make a decision, (and I'm broke and if I couldn't get what I really wanted why bother and it's hot AND I'm the size of a house AND.....) got into that STINKIN' hot car again. Still feeling like I was in a bit of a funk.
When I got home I started working on getting some things done and shared my story with Mark. Then I decided to read a friend's blog. They are having a baby next Tuesday, via cesarean. Their baby is facing some really big health problems, so she needs to come a little early and she'll be scheduled for surgery as soon as she's able. That started the whole flood of tears again. HOW selfish of me to dread labor when we're anticipating a perfectly healthy baby! WHAT is wrong with me? I guess I'm just human, but I felt so bad about my perpetual whininess the last few days. How dare I dread the very thing that's going to bring me the greatest joy?
I know lots of friends are praying for me, and I'm asking you to pray specifically for some things. First, that Walker's birth would be a smooth labor and delivery, at HOME. We're specifically praying we won't have to transfer to the hospital this time. That I'll go into labor soon and not have to make another trip to Tulsa to see the midwife. It's a long trip and not cheap with gas prices so high, so if we can avoid it, it would make all of us very happy! If you can pray for Coleman, and the transition for him too. He's already been particularly challenging the last couple of weeks, and I know adding a new baby to the family is going to make it harder. We need the strength and grace to be consistent with him, even though we'll be sleep deprived.
Also, please pray for our friends as they go through this really, really challenging time with their new baby. Pray for a safe and smooth delivery. Pray for a safe surgery and miraculous outcome for their baby girl. Pray for peace and strength for her mom especially. I know how hard it is to sit in a hospital bed with empty arms, longing for your baby. It hurts. Bad. She needs extra strength and grace only God can give her. They also have a little boy Coleman's age who I know could use lots of prayers too.
So for now, we're patiently trying to wait...
Oh, and for all my friends who want to know "WHEN" I'm going into labor, how dilated I am, etc. etc. etc...Anytime in the next two weeks. If I'm still pregnant in two weeks, we'll have those discussions with our midwife then. We were supposed to go to Tulsa today for an appointment, but she told us we were ok to wait. Not sure when our next appointment will be, but I'm praying we don't have to go back and I'll just go into labor before then. My weight, growth, blood pressure etc. are all right on track. Walker is a feisty little guy who moves a lot! Not traveling today was probably a much better choice since I could be home and eat well and drink a lot instead of grabbing fast food in the drive through and not getting enough water since I'd be in the car and not wanting to stop every 20 minutes!
When you go to a homebirth midwife, they don't do cervical checks, so I don't know how dilated I am. It doesn't matter! Until I'm a 10, I can't push him out. : ) Dilation is no indication of when you'll go into labor. Checks DO put you at risk of infection though, and that's why they don't do them.
So, he'll be here in God's perfect timing, and trust me, you'll all be the first to know! ; ) I know everyone is anxiously awaiting his arrival, although no one as much as me! lol! A watched pot doesn't boil. Ha ha ha!
Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.